State of the Sidewalks Address
My fellow pedestrians,
We have walked many miles since I began this blog. We have walked in rain and in snow. We have walked in the dark of night and we have walked beneath the sun-dappled cherry blossoms. We have walked pavements of many colors and textures and shared it with our pedestrian brethren. And although we have seen the cracks in the sidewalk and tripped over tree root-buckled slabs of concrete, I believe the state of our sidewalks is strong. In recent years we have borne witness to the installation of crosswalk countdown timers across the city. We have welcomed the work of the crossing guards in the downtown business district. And gentrification has brought the laying of austere brick sidewalks in many neighborhoods in our town.
I applaud these efforts and agree that they greatly enhance the sidewalks upon which we tread. But we must not forget the enemy that threatens our very way of pedestrian life. On September 11th, 2001, while the heroes of the NYPD and NYFD walked to the top of the burning Twin Towers to save the victims within, our enemies blockaded the streets of DC. These two sectarian factions clogged crosswalks and turned right at "no turn on red" intersections all across the city, endangering already shaken pedestrians. Since that time these suburbanists from Maryland and Virginia have continued to menace pedestrians and to place a burden on infrastructure for which they do not pay taxes.
My fellow pedestrians, we cannot stand idle while these insurgent drivers continue to violate the borders of our crosswalks. We must join together and boldly cross the street when the walk signal appears. We must glare self-righteously through the windshields of those who attempt to invade our walking space. Some may even be called upon to slap the rear fender of a car that cuts us off. And for those who make the ultimate sacrifice for our cause, we will always remember you with the greatest honor. I propose that for each pedestrian killed by a vehicle in the District, there shall be erected a memorial speed bump with the victim's name inscribed thereon.
I will conclude with a quote from a man who was born in communist Russia and came to our country not long ago. He has since become a paragon of the community and I consider him an honorary pedestrian. In his profession he, like us, propels himself with the power of his own legs and feet. He also must dodge speeding obstacles and sometimes endure collisions. But this great man treads the ice and not the concrete. Although his medium of movement is different from ours, I believe his sentiments can be applied to pedestrians as well. And so I leave you with the words of Capitals left-winger Alexander Ovechkin:
"Go skate try win."
Go, my fellow pedestrians. Skate, walk, shuffle, jog, skip. Amble forward with confidence because the state of our sidewalks is strong, our cause is right and we will defeat the suburbanists - we will try and we will win.
Good night, and may God bless the sidewalks.
We have walked many miles since I began this blog. We have walked in rain and in snow. We have walked in the dark of night and we have walked beneath the sun-dappled cherry blossoms. We have walked pavements of many colors and textures and shared it with our pedestrian brethren. And although we have seen the cracks in the sidewalk and tripped over tree root-buckled slabs of concrete, I believe the state of our sidewalks is strong. In recent years we have borne witness to the installation of crosswalk countdown timers across the city. We have welcomed the work of the crossing guards in the downtown business district. And gentrification has brought the laying of austere brick sidewalks in many neighborhoods in our town.
I applaud these efforts and agree that they greatly enhance the sidewalks upon which we tread. But we must not forget the enemy that threatens our very way of pedestrian life. On September 11th, 2001, while the heroes of the NYPD and NYFD walked to the top of the burning Twin Towers to save the victims within, our enemies blockaded the streets of DC. These two sectarian factions clogged crosswalks and turned right at "no turn on red" intersections all across the city, endangering already shaken pedestrians. Since that time these suburbanists from Maryland and Virginia have continued to menace pedestrians and to place a burden on infrastructure for which they do not pay taxes.
My fellow pedestrians, we cannot stand idle while these insurgent drivers continue to violate the borders of our crosswalks. We must join together and boldly cross the street when the walk signal appears. We must glare self-righteously through the windshields of those who attempt to invade our walking space. Some may even be called upon to slap the rear fender of a car that cuts us off. And for those who make the ultimate sacrifice for our cause, we will always remember you with the greatest honor. I propose that for each pedestrian killed by a vehicle in the District, there shall be erected a memorial speed bump with the victim's name inscribed thereon.
I will conclude with a quote from a man who was born in communist Russia and came to our country not long ago. He has since become a paragon of the community and I consider him an honorary pedestrian. In his profession he, like us, propels himself with the power of his own legs and feet. He also must dodge speeding obstacles and sometimes endure collisions. But this great man treads the ice and not the concrete. Although his medium of movement is different from ours, I believe his sentiments can be applied to pedestrians as well. And so I leave you with the words of Capitals left-winger Alexander Ovechkin:
"Go skate try win."
Go, my fellow pedestrians. Skate, walk, shuffle, jog, skip. Amble forward with confidence because the state of our sidewalks is strong, our cause is right and we will defeat the suburbanists - we will try and we will win.
Good night, and may God bless the sidewalks.
4 comments:
Thundrous applause. I, too, am outraged at the pushy suburbanistas who blithely speed through crosswalks, ignoring red lights and walk signs. The worst is when we pedestrians are slogging through the cold and wet, and some bum in an SUV, high and dry, sppeds through an illegal trun to move a few feet, while we pedestrians jump back, wet and angry.
grince
Here here! My personal superpower is the Glare of Indignance, able to halt a "rolling stop" from 10 feet.
sadly, what you have so vividly described has always been the case here in the nation's last colony. the good folks from the old dominion seem to particularly relish the role of lords of the highway. makes me wanna holla, to quote marvin gaye.
I have the unique perspective of a suburban pedestrian who has noted *many times* DC & MD drivers tearing through my neighborhood streets in order to avoid the clogged US-1/MD-410 intersection. It's infuriating.
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